How Not To Write A Report

[On reading assigned articles and writing the Ethics Report]
R: ...I can't write.
S: ...I can't read.
R: We're so sad.
S: We're illiterate!

Writing Tips From The World's Biggest Procrastinator

Don't:
"Kamikaze!!!"

Use the word kamikaze, or later, too much. You'll end up pushing everything to the farthest corners of the earth, watch five million Disney movies (and/or Disney-Pixar) and deny that you ever had work to do in the first place. The key to success is knowing when to kamikaze -- and that is usually, if not normally, five minutes after a test or an assignment is due. Save your kamikazes. Save your madness. Save your spewing, rabid behaviour for after major assignments. The word "kamikaze" has a tendency to skew the remainder of what your report, or the whole of it, depending on how you look at it. If you decide that you're in writing mode -- do it. Just don't kamikaze. It's not recommendable. At all.

Do:
"Pretend I'm fascinated with the subject matter and keep working."

A little acting never hurt anyone, really. If you pretend that you like something enough, eventually you'll believe in your lie, pick up the pace, tighten that belt and get a crack-a-lacking. Sometimes all you really need is the belief in an assignment. Conviction is key to actually getting things done. You can bribe yourself with five-minute sugar-highs (i.e. sour keys and jujubes), or you can opt to do something incredibly amusing afterwards (i.e. have a Alfred Hitchcock movie marathon)... So long as you get something done. Sometimes it's hard to get work done, so making it a stipulation doesn't make your case any better. It just makes it worse. If you're convinced that you really want to get this done and in the process, you want to learn something and develop your bullshit skills -- write that report with the utmost conviction. You are a superstar. You are a journalist. Now get to it.


But hey, don't take my word for it.
If making work a chore and kamikaze-ing your life away works for you... Do it.
I just don't think it's optimist-friendly, not in this universe at least.